Continuing with the reparenting and reprogramming theme for personal development and relationship enrichment… In May we focus on Mothering, nurturing, caring, meeting needs and emotional reprogramming. In June we focus on Fathering, structuring, stabilizing, shifting mindsets and mental reprogramming.
We do this for our own healing and growth, and to enrich and enhance our relationship. We do our side of the work utilizing our relationship as a playground. And as we go we have the added benefit of creating our strong, radiant and successful relationship… Not too shabby.
But all this can sound too serious and difficult if we let it. We do not need to “work” at these things. We just need to invest our focus and be intentional about Becoming our Best Self, who we really are anyway at the end of the day… And, about nurturing and enriching our relationship… We make this super easy with our online couple therapy.
Reprogramming for Dummies
You don’t necessarily need to do this with a couple therapist or relationship coach. This is highly recommended if you are struggling though. But know that you can effortlessly invest in your relationship by:
~ being intentional
~ taking the high road
~ bringing gratitude, compassion, and grace to your interactions
Integrating targeted tactics, habits, and behaviors into your interactions with your partner, your daily routine (ideal day), and your lifestyle is a way to automate consistently investing in your relationship.
We want to make upgrading ourselves and our relationship as easily and effortlessly as possible. Life is complicated enough without us adding more complexity into the mix.
Embrace Love Practices
To kick off this month, let’s focus on implementing or expanding our Self-Love Practice and our Partner-Love Practice. Let’s continue our emotional reprogramming by nurturing ourselves, our partner and our relationship… This soothing and self- and co-regulation will support the mental reprogramming we’ll be embracing in the coming weeks.
Most importantly, we are learning how to give and receive love… Believe or not this is actually challenging for partners… Because of our upbringing and our wounding, we have developed a myriad of ways of protecting ourselves from our pain and from further pain. Our defense mechanisms shut in our vulnerability, unique brilliance, wholeness, and radiance… We move about as a conglomerate of protective layers…
In our meeting our needs and stretching to meet our partner’s needs, with our Self-Love and Partner-Love Practices, we start shedding these layers and accessing other parts of ourselves. We start becoming more who we really are by allowing our internal radiant Essence to shine through.
The practices help us cultivate giving and receiving love, become more loving, strengthen our connection in love, Be our loving selves- expand our Love Consciousness… Also known as Unity Consciousness, Oneness, and the like. Which is really what we are aspiring for at the end of the day…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Upgrading our programs and reprogramming ourselves has been all the rage… And it makes sense as we are waking up to the fact that we create our own reality… We want to create what we want after all, not something driven by our outdated and misguided programming…
Our programming constitutes of emotional and mental defenses meant to protect us. The problem is that they end up sabotaging our attempts at creating the relationship and life we desire… There are simple ways to change your programming…
Our programming simply developed as we grew up through interactions with our caregivers and the world. We learned what’s acceptable, how to be, how to think, how to look at the world, how to experience love, how to deal with disappointment and so much more through these interactions with our loved ones and by adapting to social norms…
These created patterns in our way of being and how we do our life… They inform everything about us. What we make of our ethnicity, our religion, our gender, and the like including our beliefs, our habits, and all the rest of it. But these are all constructions, We are a construction… This is not who we are…
All the patterns and habits that make up who we are as we usually know ourselves, are all but layers of muck covering the true Essence of who we are. Covering our innocence, our radiance, our joy… This is our true self, our authentic self.
Everything else can be deconstructed and reconstructed… We can reprogram everything…
What to Reprogram
And this is the good news! Because if we feel stuck, if we can’t make the changes we want, if we keep having the same old issues, if we can’t get to the next level and so on, it’s because we have a program that is keeping things just as they are presumably for our own safety…
This means that we can get unstuck and create what we desire by changing our programming…
When it comes to our relationship, we might have all kinds of programs going on about love, affection, intimacy, trust, support, worthiness, and so on… We have belief systems and expectations about these that are deeply ingrained.
There are also programs around who we believe we are, who others are, who our partner is, why we are together, how we should be in relationship, and so on…
And all this impacts how we look at ourselves, at our partner and our interactions- what kind of relationship, and life, we are able to create at the end of the day.
There are a multitude of ways in which we can reprogram ourselves, but I’d like to focus here on one that utilizes our relationship and that helps the relationship in turn. This has to do with Stretching…
We Stretch the spectrum of our characteristics, abilities, strengths, and such to be more inclusive and exhaustive… In other words, we reprogram ourselves for Becoming more whole…
How to Reprogram
We all know that opposites attract. That’s why partners always seem so opposite… One is neat, the other is messy. One likes to save, the other likes to spend. One is outgoing, the other is shy. And so on…
The oppositeness in couples doesn’t just stop at personal characteristics. It also impacts needs and coping and defense mechanisms…
Which in the surface might seem like a formula for disaster, and it can be- ask the many couples that didn’t create their successful relationship. But this is also a blessing, a way for partners to support each other’s evolution…
When partner’s get stuck in their power struggle trying to get their own needs met, and having a challenge also meeting their partner’s seemingly opposing needs, they have to stretch to get there…
It is in that stretching that we have to own other characteristics and strengths, that we might not have known we had, or that we have to develop. It is in that stretching that that we draw from our internal resources. It is in that stretching that we transcend the having to be right for being more compassionate, the micro for the macro, the minutiae for the connection, and such.
When we Stretch in our relationship to meet our partner’s needs, we are actually also growing and evolving ourselves… It’s a Win-Win.
This is the beauty of being in relationship. Our partner is our Life Partner, our Journey Partner. Them and the relationship are a Gift…
Hanging on to how this makes our relationship beautiful as part of our relationship mindset makes all the trials and tribulations actually exciting. Anytime you hit a bump it’s an opportunity for further growth. It’s an opportunity for evolving and becoming more our true Essence… And isn’t this what life is all about? If that’s not a Blessing, I don’t know what is.
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When our relationship and life get challenging, we might wonder what we are doing wrong or what we need to do to fix them… What I’ve found to be true not only with our clients but in my own life is that it’s not necessarily what we do out there that makes the difference.
It’s really what we do in the inside that does. When we tend our inner world and are intentional about who we are, that’s when our external world becomes more magnificent… This is a simple way to change your programming…
Tending our inner world has to do with minding what thoughts we allow ourselves to think, what scripts and narratives we entertain, what mindset we subscribe to, and what kind of information we consume.
Tending our inner world has to do with minding our feelings, emotions and states, and honoring and meeting our needs.
The Challenge
Our brain and mind are the helm of our vessel if you may- they generate the thoughts, feelings and states, and give instructions for our actions. If we don’t take charge of them, by being intentional and deliberate about how they operate and let them run rampant, it shows in our output and what kind of relationship/s and life we create!
We can try as hard as we’d like to change our habits and force the good in our lives but if our internal world is messy, we’ll find that the changes we try to do not hold. We can’t stick with our commitments if they are just coming from our mouth and hands, and are not driven by a stronger purpose and program…
Oftentimes we are not in touch with our purpose and oftentimes we haven’t upgraded our programming…
This means that we are banging around life creating drama and sabotaging ourselves.
This means we are creating our life by default.
This means we are not living our full potential…
When we let our outdated programming run the show, we are easily triggered, we show up with chips on our shoulder, we are reactive with our defensiveness, and we just operate from the low-road, with our Lower Self… We operate from victimization, blame, and symptomatology- not our best look.
The Solution
The key is to tend our inner world so we reprogram and upgrade ourselves… So we don’t walk around like a ticking bomb or wasting our life away or having a real hard time of it…
How do we reprogram and upgrade ourselves?
In a lot of different ways… But for the purpose of this writing let me offer that a great approach is to pay attention to your feelings because they carry messages and then to attend to those messages…
This is where your partner comes in handy. They are the most important person in your life, your Life Partner, and the one that has the ability to trigger you really good. LOL Your partner is like a mirror, they get to reflect to you all the places that need tending… When they trigger you, that’s a sensitive area that needs attention…
So when you get triggered, identify what the trigger is about. What emotions and feelings are coming up. Expand on these feelings, don’t settle for just the reactive and protective feelings- anger, frustration, annoyed… Do deeper.
What is coming up for you- neglected, ignored, rejected, unwanted, alone, abandoned, dismissed. Or, small, criticized, controlled, not good enough, inadequate, unappreciated, devalued. These are just a small sampling. Pick out your flavor. Find your theme. Your wound…
Pay attention going forward, that every time you have a fight or conflict with your partner, that your wound got triggered… Find these vulnerable feelings in those moments. Those moments are not about making your partner wrong, being right or winning! Those moments carry information for your own healing. Tend to the feelings that come up.
When you tend the feelings and address what is causing them is when the healing happens and the reprogramming… You’ll become less and less sensitive to the usual triggers and they will no longer influence how you go about your relationship and your life…
This is how you take charge and really fully honor and take care of yourself. This is how you then create your radiant relationship and meaningful life…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Unfortunately, it’s common that partners feel stuck in their relationship dynamics. They find that they reach an impasse, that they can’t see eye-to-eye or get on the same page, or simply that they can’t get their relationship to the next level. Meaning that they are looking for a deeper connection, more meaningful interactions, and enriched intimacy and passion. What is challenging is that they get stuck in their power-struggle…
The Power-Struggle
When partner’s get stuck in their power-struggle they experience a tug of war as to whose needs get met… Each feels the other is dismissing them, disregarding them, trumping them, cancelling them… Or that they are made wrong. They don’t feel important and cared for.
They experience an existential threat… This is why they dig in their heels so their own survival is guaranteed… I know this can seem dramatic, but know this is not a logical or mental construct… This is all emotional, experiential and at a deeper level… This is the part of us that we are not usually in touch with, our unconscious and subconscious minds. And the parts of us that are actually running the show… This is where our programs come in…
Our programs show up in the form of defense mechanisms, habits, preferences, and ideas we might have about ourselves, others, and the world at large…
This is why when we try to make changes solely from an intellectual, discipline and pushing approach it is super challenging to move the needled to then have our progress revert to the usual to boot!
The Programming
We have a preset program going on that needs to be tended at the deeper level for it to reset. This reprogramming is what allows us to dissolve our sensitivities, to not take things personally and so seriously, to have more resilience, to be more compassionate, to be more flexible, to be more open, to give more generously, to be a better receiver, to experience more joy, love, and abundance…
When we address our programming, our relationship and our life are not so much work… They become a form of play, an experience, an adventure- fun… Shifting to this mindset and estate allows to truly create what our heart desires…
There are a multitude of ways, services, programs, modalities, protocols, and tactics to address our programming. The key is to be open to healing and evolving ourselves, to do the work. And it starts by fully connecting with ourselves, being present and in the now…
Then imagine just bringing that version of ourselves in and of itself to the interaction with our partner what a difference that would make…
As we continue the reprogramming, the power-struggle resolves just like that because we are now in the conscious relationship stage…
As soon as we become intentional and conscientious, we move into a conscious relationship where then anything is possible…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It feels terrible when we have the same arguments over the same disagreements, over and over again… Doesn’t it? It’s so frustrating to feel like we are living in the twilight zone, or that we are having a Groundhog Day experience… It’s tough to know that we’ll have the same conversation without resolution, yet again. Feeling like beating your head against the wall? Having repeating arguments, how you’re your relationship dynamics?
Having the same fight, or conflict, over and over might have to do with communication skills, but most importantly it has to do with your relationship dynamics… For you see something happens before a fight ensues, before a conflict is identified or sometimes even before verbal communication is started. And that is being triggered…
Being triggered means our sensitivities get perturbed. Or that core or old wounds or trauma get poked. The poking engenders strong emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, numbness, or feeling out of control.
When these feelings come on strong, they are accompanied by higher activation of neurotransmitters in our brain and hormonal release. The cocktail floods us and monopolizes our brain activity, becoming less engaged with our higher executive functioning. This is where the amounts of skills or tools you have don’t matter as they become inaccessible…
Our getting thrown off might result in our isolating, shutting down emotionally, becoming argumentative, or becoming physically aggressive. At this juncture the partners resemble toddlers in their ability to manage themselves.
This is why it’s so important to do our personal development work. For healing and growing ourselves up, so we don’t walk around with gaping wounds and sensitivities that are easily triggered. And that drive our approach to life and our relationship, and our relationship dynamics…
In interactions with our partner, we have the opportunity for healing and growing ourselves up. This is the bonus benefit of being in relationship with our Partner and their perfect imperfections that perfectly complement our own…
It behooves partners to not lose sight of this gift, and to transcend the recurring dissatisfying patterns by addressing their triggers through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.
When getting triggered in our relationship, there is a built-in opportunity to now get what we didn’t get growing up (to heal)… And, for learning how to stretch ourselves to meet our partner’s opposing needs (to grow up, become whole)…
Once we integrate this into our relating, we are able to tap into our inherent relationship synergy… This is when the waters part, and life is our oyster… LOL
Learning what drives the dynamics (our and our partner’s triggers) and how to work with them for our evolution and more meaningful Journey, is a marvelous lens and mindset to embrace in our relationship. This is when we stop the power struggle and becomes allies. This is when we become a true Partnership…
This is then our conscious and intentional relationship. Being aware of our triggers and being mindful and intentional about addressing them, is the way to change the relationship dynamics and to create the relationship we want. This is the key to our transformation…
Changing the Dynamics
It’s very easy to feel stuck, frustrated and hopeless when it seems that we just go around and around in our conversations, if we even have them, without getting anywhere. The same issue/s keep creeping up and no matter what we do we can’t seem to crack the code. But with a little mindfulness and intentionality we have the keys to the kingdom.
The Reactivity
The key is to pay attention to the reactivity. Start noticing when you get prickly, what gets on your nerves or annoys you, what are you sensitive about, what touches your sensitivities, and such. Now do this by observing what happens to you, what comes up for you. Don’t do this by focusing on what your partner is doing or not doing, and taking yourself on a ride about them…
Then notice how you respond in the interaction or situation. What do you do outwardly and inwardly? What are your “emotional behaviors”? Shut down, withdraw, distance, dismiss, minimize, and the like? Or pounce, attack, pursue, nag, control, maximize, and the like?
The set of reactions you identified are your go-to Defense Mechanisms…
You can be on a spectrum from Distancer to Pursuer… The higher the conflict in the relationship, the more the polarization…
What are you feeling behind your defense mechanisms? Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate? Or, abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone?
These feelings are your Wounds…
The Distancer feels – Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate
The Pursuer feels – Abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone
Share the instructions with your partner and have identify their Defense Mechanisms and Wounds… I’m sure that by just doing your side, you can probably identify your partner’s as well. But it’s best for them to identify and own their own experience…
Regardless of how you arrive at identifying your partner’s side, I’m sure you’ll notice that you are opposites… A little or a whole lot.
Now, don’t let this scare you as Opposites Attract… And, once you start doing your work, you’ll become less polarized and learn to work with your differences to the satisfaction of you both.
Your Reciprocity Loop
Your dynamics is a reciprocity loop, a recurring repeating pattern. Actually, it’s a beautiful dance between the oppositeness…
You want closeness, they want space.
You want to discuss things to process, they need time on their own to think to process.
You want to be flexible, they want to run on schedule.
You want to do things together, they want to do things on their own.
And, so on…
Partners might get triggered in the face of the different preferences… Specially if there is already some disconnection and unappreciation going on at the moment…
The Looping: Something happens. Partner A gets Triggered and responds with their Defense Mechanism. Which Triggers Partner B, who responds with their own Defense Mechanism. Resulting in Partner A having their Wounds/Feelings additionally triggered, to which they respond with more of their Defense Mechanism. Additionally, triggering Partner B’s Wounds/Feelings. And on it goes…
Let’s say:
Partner B announces they’ll be away for the next three days.
This makes Partner A feel unwanted, rejected and abandoned.
They react by demanding why the partner is going away, asking a million questions about the trip, requesting a gazillion things get done before they go away, asking them to come back early, and such.
Partner B now feels controlled, nagged, and trapped.
They in turn don’t want to provide details on the trip, are evasive about the possibility of coming back early, forget to do some of the tasks requested, and such.
This makes Partner A feel more unwanted, alone, dismissed, unsupported. So, they become more controlling, demanding and such.
Now Partner B feels more controlled, unappreciated, and suffocated.
And it can really escalate…
Does this sound familiar? I know, you are not alone!
The Transformation
Without spelling out therapy sessions here, the first and most basic thing to do is keep your understanding of your dynamics top of mind.
So, when your partner does something that triggers you, you can put it in the right context for yourself and address what comes up differently…
And so, equally as important, is to be mindful to not operate or react in a way that triggers your partner…
Giving each other a different experience, especially a different outcome in the face of a trigger is what’s healing… These are reparative experiences.
Another way to be healing is to ongoingly and proactively do behaviors that are antidotes to the Wounds. So, what’s needed is provided without having triggers making noise to get needs met.
For example, build-in couple/connection/togetherness and individual/alone/separateness times into your routines…
The additional beauty here, is that in stretching to give our partner their preference, we grow… So, it’s a win-win.
And that’s how you do it. Hang on to this golden ticket my friend, play with this concept to transform your relationship. You’ll be amazed at what’s possible once you crack this code! Enjoy!
ASSIGNMENT: Make a concerted effort at becoming a conscious and intentional couple… Keep your dynamics and working them top of mind!
Identify your Defense Mechanisms and Wounds
Identify your Loop
Identify behavior and attitude changes to avoid Triggering each other
Identify and implement ongoing Habits to tend to the Needs related to the Wounds
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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