Aside from financial strain, many couples start considering divorce when find themselves frequently in conflict or no longer feeling the relationship…
At its core, these issues often stem from undermining relationship patterns or a lack of connection… And can easily be addressed by enriching the relationship and deepening the connection between the partners…
Being intentional about our relationship is a proven way to safeguard it against cheating and divorce.
That said, I understand how the idea of investing in the relationship and deepening connection might want to make you throw up in your mouth if you are currently at odds or feeling completely estranged. I get it, especially if:
~ Conversations derail no matter how hard you try to get on the same page
~ You feel you are the one doing all the work- apologizing, planning, and trying to make things better
~ The idea of being available, open, or vulnerable feels overwhelming or even terrifying
~ Making the first move toward connection or intimacy feels awkward and unnatural
~ You worry that your partner might not understand or appreciate your efforts, or worse- might reject them outright
~ The things you’ve tried so far haven’t gained any traction or given the results you hoped for
~ Even if there is improvement, it often feels short-lived with the relationship slipping back into old patterns
These feelings are valid, and they are part of the challenge.
The truth is, if there is little effort to mindfully addressing issues, vulnerably sharing needs and preferences, and proactively investing in nurturing our relationship giving love and caring, the relationship has very little chance of surviving, never mind thriving…
These are antidotes to frequent conflicts and estrangement in our relationship… When we feel connected, we can have more understanding, give grace more readily, and find it easier to align, problem-solve, collaborate, and play together…
WHEN FREQUENT CONFLICTS IS THE CULPRIT
It is certainly not easy to be in a relationship that is riddled with tension and conflict. When conversations feel flat, superficial, or forced and the slightest truth can turn into a disagreement. When any behavior, decision, or comment has the potential to trigger a and argument that quickly escalate into a full-blown fight. When concerns or dislikes are left unspoken simply to avoid another argument.
This dynamic arises from the partners’ limiting belief systems, relationship mindset, communication styles, and defensive patterns. Creating habits and patterns that hinder the ability to show up compassionately, vulnerably, and authentically for one another.
~ Being Fully Committed – Closing any gaps or leaks and being intentionally building a successful relationship with a shared vision for a life together.
~ Taking Full Accountability – Owning your role in the current dynamic and making the necessary changes to foster different, more positive outcomes.
~ Proactively Addressing Challenges – Tackling what’s not working with compassion, kindness, and patience, while investing in nurturing and strengthening the relationship.
Making a commitment to making the relationship work, is in itself a powerful step toward making the relationship work…
WHEN ESTRANGEMENT IS THE CULPRIT
And it’s certainly not easy to be in a relationship that feels cold, distant, and transactional… Where the partners function more like roommates, prioritize their children over the relationship, or simply lead parallel lives. Where they might have challenges finding things in common or having fun together. Where they have let their physical intimacy fall by the wayside…
It is actually painful to live in a barren household or have a distant relationship. As humans, we have an innate need for connection, it’s hardwired into us as a fundamental part of our being. When we don’t meet this need, and especially if we have abandonment wounds, the pain can be excruciating. This pain invites our ugliest defense mechanisms as we try to cope with the distress…
Unfortunately, these defense mechanisms perpetuate the destructive power struggle cycle, the dissatisfying patterns, that couples experience when they haven’t invested in personal development and relationship enrichment.
The solution lies in creating, maintaining, and deepening their connection to create emotional safety that allows them to take the relationship and their intimacy to the next level:
~ Creating Connection – Gently reaching out for interest in connecting and nurturing the relationship. Showing interest in our partner with curiosity about their thoughts, feelings, experiences and desires.
~ Maintaining Connection – Implementing Connection Habits™ to protect the bond, cultivate a sense of closeness, and easily re-engage and reconnect even during challenging times.
~ Deepening Connection – Elevating interactions by engaging in more intimate, vulnerable, and authentic conversations that explore values, personal truths, emotions, and even existential topics for a richer and more profound connection.
Showing genuine interest in our partner can make a world of difference. When they feel truly valued, appreciated, understood, and desired the foundation of the relationship strengthens and the relationship starts to flourish.
Being intentional about our relationship is a proven way to safeguard it against cheating and divorce. By addressing and transforming defense mechanisms, programs, and patterns that drive our interactions, and by actively investing in connecting with our partner, we pave the way the way for creating the relationship we desire.
It is up to us to prevent the demise of our relationship by showing up with the best of intentions and with our Best Self. Only then can our relationship become the relationship we both love.
Happy showing up…
With Much Love & Light!
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Copyright (c) 2025 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Something that is amazingly striking is how vulnerable we are in all aspects of our humanness. And, how hard we can be on ourselves (and with others!) to top it off! In the stories I hear through the work, and also in plain old conversations with people, I hear the constant criticism, lack mentality, negativity, focus on what’s “wrong”, and the like. Gosh, it makes for an awful stay in that mental space rental. LOL
The self-deprecation, and focus on how our partner sucks, it’s so thick it can be cut with a knife. It’s interesting how challenging it is to bypass the Negativity Bias… It’s even more interesting that we love taking the concept to the next level (sarcasm). Obviously, we are not doing it on purpose. And, even the most evolved might still have moments where they succumb to the lure.
But what I work on for myself and teach our clients, is to be as mindful and intentional as possible, as consistently as possible, to counter this. But even embracing this practice can be challenging for some…
Have you ever noticed that you might have cracked the code on something, found a great life hack, or some other worthy morsel, but when you try to share the wealth it is not accepted, it’s actually not even received well?
The main reason for this is that we have a program running in the background that doesn’t allow us to deviate from it… Even if it’s good for us. The program doesn’t recognize it as good. If a deviation from the norm is detected, it considers it a bug, virus, threat and goes about eradicating it… It’s like having a firewall and malware installed in our server! Nothing will get through until we change the software, permissions, settings, or code…
This programming is subconscious, and it’s literally wired into our nervous system… All the messaging and experiences growing up impacted how we wired our (embodied) brain, which in turn informs our chemistry, personality, defense mechanism, sensitivities, etc… Not for nothing it isn’t easy to receive constructive criticism, feedback, advise and resources… We are built to protect ourselves from any threats to the status quo, from change!
I know this might sound like a lost cause, but if it was the likes of me wouldn’t have a profession! It is not hopeless, it is not impossible, it is not absurd. Change can happen. We just need to be smart about our approach. We can’t muscle our way through. We can’t solve it as a logical problem. We can’t ignore it in hopes it goes away on its own, it won’t. We just need to target the program… for once we get through, voila!!
The key is to be intentional and proactive about this… This approach to evolving ourselves is not for the faint of heart. If you want it you can have it, but you have to invest in yourself… And, therein lies the grub. This is part of the catch 22 and why not everybody is evolved already. It’s hard to invest in yourself when your programming is running ramped against change!
The trick? Be gentle. Sneak up on yourself… If you are in therapy, or other supportive service, you probably noticed that your therapist doesn’t beat you into change… That your therapist is loving, nurturing, accepting and challenges you just enough at the right time to get in… That they offer you a different experience, and techniques and tools, to assist the reprogramming…
Piggybacking on last week’s issue, on Nurturing is not just for mothers, here is a call to nurture yourself also… This is a reprogramming strategy (ReParenting Yourself, Mothering Yourself…). Evolving ourselves can be pretty simple if we mean it, if we really want to evolve and have our best human experience… This doesn’t have to be mysterious or difficult. A strategy can be as simple as Nurturing…
But do beware of the sentinel against change… Even do nurturing gently… Sometimes we go all gung-ho about a new selfcare routine, new service, new nurturing toy or such, to very quickly put it to the side or “lose interest”. Sneak in the goodness. Integrate it slowly. Take your time. Just know that nice and steady wins the race…
Assignment: Make a list of all feel good activities, gestures, treats, and the like. For example, getting a massage is pretty high on my list. They can be as simple as making yourself a cup of tea during key times of the day, to embracing a meditation practice, to taking yourself to a spa retreat in some obscure part of the world.
This is your list, anything goes. Don’t judge, don’t sensor. Make a nice list. Then as your programming allows, integrate items to your hearts content…
Be gentle. Be kind. Be nice. Be accepting. Be loving. Be You to yourself!
Complete the Assignment below, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
First, if you are a Mom, sending you lots of love and appreciation for all you do and endure as a Mom… Second, if you are not a Mom, I’m sure there is a Mom in your life that you can Celebrate… And, third, we all have a Mother inside us to whatever extent. It’s part of the human condition to Care…
This is a perfect time to review how we are doing in the Caring department. How are we being amazing (not perfect) Moms to our children? How are we being amazing Caring individuals to the ones we love? How do we show care, tenderness, nurturing? How do we show up so that others know we Care?
Sometimes our intentions are misread, misheard, or misinterpreted… This happens more often than not. Whether it happens or not depends on a myriad of reasons:
The context – There could be a hurried, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, hungry, tired, or such state by the sending or receiving party in the interaction that whatever is put out doesn’t come out or land well.
Our agenda – We can have the best of intentions to do something nice for someone, but it can be driven by our own needs and therefore might not match the needs or desires of the person we are trying to show Care.
Our style – Sometimes we mean well and it meets the need of the intended recipient, but our approach is lacking. We might be overbearing, pushy, critical, controlling, demanding, flashy, or the opposite, quiet, unassuming, simple, too practical, low key, undemonstrative, standoffish, etc. Either way it’s a challenge to receive what we put out.
Their script – Additionally, regardless of what we are doing the other person is using their lens to receive us. They have a preconceived notion about us, different expectations, their own narrative about life and the world. They’ll experience and interpret as they are programmed…
This plays a huge role in relationship with people and specially in relationship with our Partner. It is very interesting to be the witness if you may in Couple Therapy. From as much of a neutral stance that is possible, we (Therapists) are able to hear the partners’ messages how they are intended.
Though they might come out or land crooked, which is immediately evident by the other’s reaction… The same thing said by the Therapist is usually received better!
It is imperative that each Partner, or in the case of other relationships that both parties, mind their own side of the interaction: Taking care of their own state, taking care of their motivation and how they show up, and being mindful of the other person’s sensitives as best they can.
Our goal is to be our best Human Self… Part of that is being nice, caring, loving, and the like. It is our job to do that well. This does not mean Loving/Caring too Much as in being Codependent… Find out if you are Loving/Caring too Much HERE!
Our job is to show care appropriately, so that others feel the Care. If they are running from us or complaining they don’t get enough then our approach needs tweaking…
The best way to give targeted Care is by giving care in their Love Language and by giving it from our own circle, from us owning ourselves (not them!). Doing for others what they can do for themselves is part of being codependent… This is disempowering for the person we are supposedly caring for, and extremely frustrating in the end for the person delivering the so call “care”.
Assignment: Take stock of how Caring you are being, if you are being Amazing, codependent or sucky… Identify the main area (context, agenda, style or script) that usually gets you. Identify what you need to tweak about your approach. Identify 3 specific things to change, decide to change them, and go for it.
Any tweaking you do will have a major impact. People are sensitive to how we relate to them. If we show up differently, they’ll notice… Sometimes our shift is more internal than external, and it takes a while for it to become visible others. Don’t get mad at them if they don’t notice your efforts… Just keep doing your side…
Step up the good/appropriate Care you give others in your life. This can include simple appreciation and gratefulness for what they do and who they are… Doing this in and of itself is also good for you. With gratitude your brain goes into a different state, a feeling good state. Generosity, gratitude, kindness and such are related to our sense of Happiness. Everybody wins!
Enjoy the Care you give!
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you noticed that whatever you are dealing with, more of it shows up in your life? It can even start to feel like the universe is playing a joke on you. Have you had that experience? Of course, it’s awesome when this applies to good stuff in our lives. Not so much when the repeating item is frustrating, painful or generally negative.
This can show up in the form of themes in shows, songs and publications, or just things you notice. This can show up as issues with different people. This can show up as repeating patterns in your relationship. I’m sure you’ve noticed one of the underlying themes in my writing is about focusing on what we contribute to a situation and on the positive in others, in giving our partner the benefit of the doubt…
And, I’ve written about, and refer to this multiple times a day in my work with clients, that we have a tendency to focus on the negative and “How our partner sucks.” So, I was thrilled when two different resources showed up in my inbox this week about our brain’s tendency for “negativity bias”… But then I had to check-in with myself and ask if this was to be used as a professional resource, or was this applicable to Me as well…
It is part of the human condition to be egocentric, we filter everything as to how it applies to us… Part of the work is to do my own work… Staying open to the possibility that I might be ready for additional work in this area I embraced this as a personal challenge.
And, lo and behold, some things that had crept up as recent annoyances in my life all of a sudden no longer felt as such… A minor adjustment in focus and assigned meaning provided a huge relief to my overall emotional state. Wow!
What does this mean for you? It means, let’s go back to what I usually offer. Stop focusing on “How your partner sucks”, and focus instead on how you are showing up, how you are taking care of yourself, how you are resourced and present, on how you are contributing to the conflict, tension or dissatisfaction. Focus on what you can do different and how you choose to look at your partner, and others!
You have control and power to change your side, you don’t have control and power to change other’s. Don’t even try, it’s a waste of resources. This is where partners go wrong. They spin their wheels becoming more frustrated and hurt.
Stop focusing on what is not working, what you don’t like, how something could be different, why are things not better and the like. Stop your negativity bias! Focus instead on your and other’s strengths, what you do like, what touched your heart, how the other invested, on their intention and motivation (don’t assign negative motives either!).
Stop the negativity bias and feel load off your shoulders, trust me!
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Life is gorgeously full and a consistent invitation to approach what’s important with intentionality, ease, presence, and mindfulness. For in how we carry ourselves impacts the experiences we create, and the Journey we live… It is up to us to make it a good one every day. How do you measure your daily success?
Recently, in sharing about his work Hubby made a comment that inadvertently hit home for my work with couples. He said, Effort is nice, Impact matters. Wow! How often do I hear of partners standing on their heads trying to address their relationship dissatisfaction.
And, how often do I redirect them into approaching their partner in the most targeted way that touches their heart and makes a difference. We want to put in a lot less Effort into our relationship, and a lot more meaningful interactions… This is at the crux of it…
It’s time to stop spinning your wheels, banging your head against the wall, and skirting around your issues. It’s time for a new strategy.
There are always two sides to every story. Each partner has their own experience in an interaction, and in the relationship period. And, they are BOTH valid! The problem is that partners relate intent on proving they are right, their way is the right way, or they’ve been wronged in some way…
This automatically makes their partner wrong… When we negate another’s experience, we automatically trigger Existential fears and prior trauma, relational and otherwise… And, as you probably very well know, nobody is any good once they are triggered…
Some partners live on a constant triggered state due to unresolved unfinished business, lack of relationship skills and poor personal regulation and management. They walk around with open wounds and unintentionally keep adding salt to injury.
Some partners are so used to living in this state that they don’t even realize they are not living optimally… Or, they do but are at a loss for what to do differently. They are paralyzed, stuck… Unfortunately, this has all kinds of health and success implications as well…
It is not easy in relationship to hold space for both partners’ experiences… Partners usually subscribe to the belief that they have to agree on things, most things… That they have to have things in common, most things… And, that if they don’t, they are doomed. They can’t fathom both being right, or being ok in the face of differences…
They themselves have to be “the last man standing”… It has to be their way or the highway… If the space is taken up by their partner’s experience, then they experience no room for themselves… This is an existential crisis. Hence the struggle to coexist…
In this struggle for existential survival partners go rogue in their attempt to get their needs met, usually at the expense of their connection. They go in impulsively, reactively, narrow mindedly, like a bull in a china shop. Resulting in boundary injuries and attachment rapture. The lack of connection remains pervasive and a trigger in and of itself… And, the cycle continues…
Being stubborn in our approach, timing, focus and the like to address our experience often times backfires, and nobody wins! This is the wrong approach. We cannot put ourselves first in this way. It doesn’t work. This is not how we take care of ourselves and get our needs met…
There are two ways to meet our needs:
We ask our partner to meet them
We meet them ourselves
Some needs are more appropriate that we meet ourselves, others are more relational in nature. We have to be mindful which we assign to each category and about our expectations. Sometimes, we have to figure out how to have our relational needs met by ourselves as well, while still honoring the relationship commitment. This depends on what is going on in our relationship, and our and our partner’s personal evolution…
When a partner has no capacity to meet the other’s relational needs, the nature of the relationship is delicate and requires special attention for it to work out well and become reciprocal again. There is an ongoing ebb and flow in our relationship. The key is to ride this well.
Couples suffer when they don’t have a proper handle on this. Their expectations are reasonable, but beyond their current relationship’s scope. Partners focus on forcing a square peg into a round hole, instead of expanding the hole… We can expand the hole by appropriately taking care of ourselves, making sure our expectations fall within our partner’s current capacity, and inspiring them into reciprocity…
We inspire them by doing our own work… We cannot attempt to get our needs met by our partner until we understand their side and are able to make appropriate requests… We can only do this after we self soothe/regulate and better manage ourselves… After we clean our lens, get out of our head and stop doing relationship math, as it never adds up! And, after we get in touch with our heart…
When we resource ourselves before engaging our partner, we can stay grounded and not be threatened by their experience, their existence… We can appropriately engage for a win-win. Resourced we show up better, approach better, respond better. Resourced we make a better impact and get better results… Resourced we get the partner we desire and create the relationship we desire.
Your Assignment this week:
Part 1 – Think of a need you’d like your partner to meet. Think of why your partner might not have been meeting this need, what might be holding them back? Really think about this, make a list of all the reasons from what you might know of their perspective. If you were them, can you see how this would be challenging for them? Kick this around until you get their side…
Part 2 – Think about how to approach addressing your need with your partner, being mindful to not trigger them or request something that might feel impossible for them to give at this time. Once you have a clean and mindful approach in mind, ask your partner for a chat to discuss this.
You’ll go in with all your understanding from Part 1 and owning your side fully. No owning their side, beating them up or being controlling allowed! Respectfully and vulnerably make a request that meets your need – be creative, open-minded and flexible…
Don’t Effort in your relationship. Shoot for positive Impact instead. Create your Successful Relationship. And, that’s what matters!
Stay tuned for a new Theme in the next issue.
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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